One of my biggest pet peeves in life is when I see an adult publicly deriding their child through sharp and distasteful language. The whole point of the performance is to annihilate the child’s self-esteem while attempting to appear as a responsible parent providing a life lesson. People like this thrive off this type of parenting because they get off on the control aspect. It is an attempt to harness the respect of the child through fear. In reality, it creates great resentment from the child and shows the world just how small-minded and insecure the parent is.
I was moving into a new apartment, and I hired a local businessman to do the job. I met him months earlier when I had purchased a recliner and needed to use the store delivery service. The gentleman’s name was Adonis, which the cashier said to me with great enthusiasm. She piqued my interest and I couldn’t wait for this “Adonis” to deliver my chair. When he arrived at my apartment, to my surprise, it was his 16-year-old son who physically brought in my recliner while Mr. Adonis conversed with me. While he was somewhat charming, he was the physical antithesis of what the historical Greek Adonis was alleged to be. However, through his son, I was able to gain an idea of what the former Adonis looked like, minus about 250 pounds. His son was very well mannered, mature for his age, spoke with a high level of intelligence and appeared to have been a veteran at moving. It was around 2:00 in the afternoon and I was taking a break from the teaching profession at that time, so I was unaware of the education calendar. I assumed that he picked his son up from school early to assist him or maybe they didn’t have school. Basically, I didn’t ponder it much. In all, it was a positive experience and knowing that I had to move in a few months, I enlisted Adonis’ help with that move too. Full arrangements were made with cost, number of “adults” required and equipment needed. The date was three months into the future.
One month prior to the move, I called Adonis to remind him about the move and to find out if he could still handle the job. He assured me that he was on top of everything and that the move would be a piece of cake. During the week of the move, I had to make three phone calls before I was able to speak with Adonis. By that time I was in the process of securing another moving company when he finally called back and gave a plausible explanation. Again, my heart was in using someone local and independent to boost his business. The day arrived and he showed up late and instead of the partner that he was supposed to bring, he brought his son again. It was a school day, and the time of our appointment was 10:00AM.
Throughout the entire move, his son did all the work except breaking down my bed and when two people were needed to lift furniture. My friend was also there with me assisting with small things that we piled into her car. She was also a witness to what was one of the most disturbing events that disgusted us. Here was this lazy man, unwilling to assist his son and yet criticizing him the whole time that he was not doing things right or moving fast enough. This incomplete parent showed just how jealous he was of his son because the young man looked and moved like his former self and he could not handle it. Not to mention, my friend and I kept giving the young man compliments. The tipping point came when Adonis told his son that he was “F#%&ing stupid,” with the venom of someone speaking to a stranger who just violated him. He repeated this statement several times. My friend and I both shivered from the way he spoke to his son. We individually addressed his behavior. I went so far as to directly tell him not to ridicule his son again in my presence.
Here’s how mature the son was. The whole time that the father took shots at him, he did not flinch except when we were present, and the father used foul language. He was more concerned about the father being disrespectful to the women present than he was about his feelings being hurt. This let me know that he was used to his father’s flare ups and he was embarrassed. So, he pretended like he wasn’t fazed and covered for his father by doing the work flawlessly. When I tell you that this young man was so on point and professional, the teacher in me could not help but to inquire about his dreams for the future because I wanted to pour into him. I found out that he was an A student and that he wanted to go to college. However, the father was pushing him to work with him to keep the business going. He missed a lot of school because he had to help his father with the business and yet somehow, kept his grades up.
Because the father was too lazy to do much of anything, I negotiated with him to solicit help from a friend. I was more than willing to pay a little extra to get moved into my new place quicker and to get this intolerable man out of my sight. While the son and now the friend were on the last few boxes, the father was standing by the truck, I continued my conversation with the son about his future. To my chagrin, the friend began to complain about the son too, “Here you go again with that college stuff.” I was in disbelief at how these two grown men were so hypercritical of this young man wanting to do something better with his life than what they had achieved. The only thing that gave me hope was that the child was intelligent and seemed not to be interested in their foolishness. I knew that going to college would be his get out of jail card, if he could put up with his father for two more years. This whole situation made me think long and hard about calling social services for the constant verbal abuse, school absenteeism, and child labor violations. However, I was not a mandated reporter at the time.
According to the National Association of Mandated Reporters, the definition of a mandated reported is as follows, “People required by law to report suspected or known instances of abuse.” Mandated reporters are designated by their profession in most states. These are professionals who typically work with children such as teachers, doctors and social workers. However, in some states, all adults are considered mandated reporters. Contrary to popular belief, abuse or neglect does not only relate to children but to adults, elderly people, dependent adults and adults with disabilities too. So, if you see anyone in any of these categories being abused, mandated reporters are obligated to report it.
Most large school districts in the United States provide mandatory training to teachers, administrators, and staff. Some school districts may simply supply a pamphlet that spells out what to look for and numbers to call. Still others may ask teachers to first report it to the school guidance counselor or administration. Whichever the case may be, unless there are clear and obvious signs of abuse, please do your due diligence to investigate the matter before making that call to social services. Because once that complaint is logged into the system, it may pose future problems down the road. Disrupting even a broken home can sometimes cause more damage than expected.
In this situation, I probably would have done more harm than good. Here was a 16-year-old black boy, with the body of a grown man. I could not have predicted whether protocol would have just rendered a warning from social services or full removal of the child from the home. If there were no other relatives that could have taken guardianship over him, it was more likely that he would have ended up in a group home because of his age and race. These environments are often dangerous because many are run by people who just want an easy pay day instead of truly nurturing the children sent to them. My phone call to social services may have sent that young man from the frying pan and into the fire. He had already showed me that he was capable of handling the negative situation and he didn’t appear to have any bruises on him. Since I had only spent one day in the presence of the two, I had to weigh both sides with clarity and I didn’t have that. Who’s to say that my admonishment of Adonis didn’t have any effect? Although I doubt if he would have done a complete turnaround, but he may have slacked up just enough for the son to feel less discarded. He did at least honor my wishes and did not cuss out his son again while they were moving me.
When dealing with child abuse teachers must be mindful of the different variables involved. Just as the young man above appeared to have had his physical needs met, he was obviously lacking love, opposite circumstances can be even more difficult to evaluate. Sometimes the removal of a child from an environment that may lack some necessities but has a whole lot of love could do irreparable harm to the child and the parent as well. A situation such as this is when the offer of resources should come into play first. If the parents are amenable to receiving help, then that should be taken into consideration. Please keep in mind that a child who is loved and has very little in tangibles has just as good a chance at succeeding in life as a child who is provided with many things.
In all, we may not always be right about our decisions when it comes to protecting others from the hands of abuse. Each situation is different and should be handled from that unique perspective. Sometimes, our vocal concerns are enough to put people on notice that they are being watched and to straighten up. And other times, we must trust our guts and make that call because it may save a life.
This is another Paige from my book.
A Paige from my Book 