By: Paige Adams
The sun shines brightly through the windows as a multitude of birds serenade the first days of spring. It has been months since we have all been able to drink in the aroma of freshly cut grass, honeysuckle bushes and the enchanted lady herself-the magnolia flower. I open the windows to delight in the rebirth of nature while looking forward to taking in a deep breath without a mask. Like nature, the country is on a path of renewal.
While most of America is focused on the restoration of their social liberties, there is a smaller sector of society who view this announcement differently. They see it as an escape from the escalation of domestic violence due to the quarantine. Victims of this violence are eager to get outdoors and away from the abuse.
There are a variety of abuses that go unnoticed, misunderstood, and even ignored by loved ones. When I say variety, I mean the other forms of abuse besides physical violence. Those variants are control, sexual abuse, intimidation, emotional abuse, economic abuse, coercion, threats, and blame.
While in college I took a class on women and domestic violence. I learned that the laughter and fun you share one minute can easily escalate into the most tense and anxious moment. The wrong interpretation of a simple gesture, misunderstood statement, or joke is all it takes. Then a loud outburst or a raised fist, brings a sudden rush of terror. When the smoke clears, the bruises are tended, but the panic lingers until calm is restored. This is known as the cycle of abuse. There are three-stages to the cycle. It starts with tension building, battering, and the blissful phase which is then repeated.
According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), about 1 in 4 women and 1 in 10 men have experienced sexual violence, physical violence and stalking by an intimate partner. [i] Intimate Partner Violence or IPV, refers to “any behavior within an intimate relationship that causes physical or psychological harm, including acts of physical aggression, sexual coercion, psychological abuse, and controlling behaviors,” as defined by the World Health Organization. [ii] Intimate partner violence is more commonly associated with heterosexual couples where the man is the aggressor. However, men are not excluded as victims, it mostly goes unreported. This is because they are not taken seriously by the authorities and made to feel ashamed. “How can a man allow a woman to abuse him physically or otherwise?” asks the average man. Therefore, they hide behind the abuse without seeking treatment.
Same-sexed couples also experience their share of IPV woes, and the silence is worse. Although the LGTBQ community have made great strides in their fight for equality, there are still some who refuse to acknowledge them. Instead of bearing the shame and ridicule of going to the authorities, they most likely seek help through unconventional channels within their community. It is because of this stigma that some therapists have referred to the dilemma as the “double closet.”[iii]
Domestic violence under any circumstance is traumatic for all involved including those who may not be in the direct line of fire. It is well known that the impact of adult IPV exposure on children can be damaging and have long lasting effects. You can only imagine how a child internalizes such acts. What typically happens is that they too carry the curse of domestic violence through the generations and charge it to a rite of passage. In fact, according to the U.S. Department of Justice, women ages 16 to 24 experience the highest per capita rate of IPV.[iv] Then there are those who are fortunate enough to break the curse.
I was teaching a ninth-grade class one day, when a young man entered uninvited. He was not a student of mine, but he stood in front of the class and performed. When I asked him twice, to please leave, he became disrespectful. At this point the late bell had rung, my students were in their seats and fully engaged in the young man who commanded the floor. Not wanting to get into a verbal match I directed him towards the door. As he proceeded to exit while simultaneously continuing to disrespect me, he tripped over his own feet. This sent him into a spiral and out the door. The class began laughing hysterically. I seized the opportunity to close the door so he could not re-enter. He banged on the door for the next five minutes cursing me.
We were well past the drama and deep into class work when I noticed one of my female students, who could be very talkative and disrespectful, was rather quiet and working with her head down. Towards the end of the class a few of the other female students huddled around this young lady’s desk. She was now crying softly. Unknown to me, she and the young man were dating. She was fearful he would take his anger out on her. This was a shock, since she came across as self-assured, outspoken, and feisty. I would have never guessed that she would tolerate such behavior.
I immediately reported the incident to my Assistant Principal (AP) and asked that he inform the parents. He refused, stating it was unnecessary because they were only fourteen and chalked it up to teenage angst. His solution was to simply talk to the young man. I was furious, because I could see how this impulsive young boy had the potential to grow into an abusive man. Since there was no evidence of bruising or battering and the information came second hand, I was not obligated to call authorities. I would have preferred to address both families to diffuse the situation, but I had to submit to my AP’s decision. Thankfully, the young lady never again gave the appearance of being in harm’s way. In addition, her young man gave me a sincere apology for interrupting my class.
In 2009, entertainers Chris Brown and Rihanna, who were ages 19 and 20 at the time, made headlines as their turbulent relationship became public. Rihanna made a frantic phone call to the police claiming Chris assaulted and threatened her. America turned their backs on Chris and crucified him in Rihanna’s defense. The once loveable, playful, Michael Jackson-like, singing and dancing phenom, fell from grace. It was later revealed that this was a learned behavior stemming from childhood. Chris’ mother confessed her contribution to his behavior by allowing him to witness her abusive relationships.
Chris received the counseling that he so desperately needed and nurturing from older male role models. Rihanna also received counseling. Maybe, had prior abuse not been a factor they may have been able to deal with their problems in a healthier manner. We will never know, but there have been no other reported episodes to follow either of them.
Brianna and Ashley, (names changed for privacy purposes), were a typical couple. It was obvious that Ashley liked how Brianna carried her books to class and openly showed her affection. The two girls were inseparable. To the public, everything was fine. It was not until I noticed Ashley’s normally vivacious sparkle begin to fade the moment Brianna sat next to her in class. She would keep her head down the entire time and would barely acknowledge anyone besides myself or Brianna. On one or two occasions I caught Brianna glaring menacingly at Ashley, and she, trying not to be obvious, was cowering in fear.
Unlike Brianna, who did not take class seriously, Ashley was a more willing participant. On the occasions Ashley attended my class alone, she became chatty with the boys and even a little flirtatious. As the students departed from class one day, I caught her staring at the boys in that teenaged girl, wide-eyed, boy crazy type of way. Normally, she was one of the first ones out the door, this day she lingered.
Before leaving the class, I pulled her to the side to speak in private. I said to her, “It appears that you like boys too.” Not wanting to waste my moment or lose her trust, I quickly added, “Regardless of who you choose to date, you must first love yourself in order to teach people how to treat you.” She pondered my words for a moment, then responded, “You know, I think you’re right,” as an affirmative to both proclamations. Then she casually walked out the classroom.
Ashley and Brianna eventually split up, but it was not until the end of the school term. This is when I learned why Ashley fell victim to IPV. Her father physically abused her, so she ran towards the first person who showed her affection, despite the emotional abuse. This was her familiar and her unfortunate perception of love.
As the 2021 school year unwinds and the hopes of returning to a typical classroom setting in the fall, I caution every parent to speak to their children about the traps of IPV. Even those children who seem to have a healthy self-esteem can fall victim now that the quarantine has created a need for companionship. Professionals have stated repeatedly on the news and talk shows that the children have suffered the most during this pandemic. Suicide rates among teens have increased over the past year. We have all been left vulnerable to the need for human interaction. However, we must be rational about our choices. Before you send your child back out into the world to resume life, make sure you equip them not only with a mask and hand sanitizer, but teach them about intimate partner violence because it could be a matter of life or death.
[i] https://cdc.gov/injury/features/intimate-partner-violence/
[ii] https://apps.who.int/violence-intimate-partner-violence/
[iii] Domestic Violence Between Same-Gender Partners: Recent Findings and Future Research: Joan C. McClennen, Journal of Interpersonal Violence 20 (2), (Feb 2005): 149-154.
[iv] U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics, Special Report: May 2000. http://www.bjs.gov
A Paige from my Book 